I cried the whole way home. Walking into the house I ignored the confused stares and questions that were being thrown at me. I went straight into my room closed the door and locked it. I sat on my bed and contemplated what I was going to do next. On the way here I decided that giving up my babies would be totally STUPID. If he wanted nothing to do with me fine. Have a nice life. I am keeping them. They're my life. But I know I can't raise these babies on my own. I have to tell someone. Nobody knows. I've kept it a secret for about 3 1/2 months and I truly plan on keep it a secret. I glanced at my dresser that sat across from my bed and saw my shiny friend. Sad, isn't it. This is what I'm confiding in. A razor. Something that could end my life in an instant. I grab it and retreat to my bathroom. Is this what I really want. The voices in my head are telling my to go ahead. 1 cut. 1 scar. What's the worst that could happen. But another part of my knows this is wrong. It knows that I should go down there and beg for help. But that's not what's going to happen. I gently press the blade against my wrist wincing at the pain it sends right away. I cut a little deeper watching the blood pour from my wrist. I choose another place to cut. Cut a little deeper Nicki and you'll end your life. Is that what I want? One cut turned into 5. I need to clean this mess. I cleaned up the blood off the floor. I went I to the closet and grabbed a body towel. I then noticed all my bloody rags that I had thrown in the trash over the last couple months. That alone made me throw up. I quickly hopped in the shower wanting to get out of this bathroom.
Walking into my room a grabbed a too big hoodie threw that on and a pair of leggings. I contemplated on whether I wanted to go back downstairs or if I wanted to lie down and take a nap. I'm just going to avoid confrontation and take a nap.
-•-•
I woke up from my nap hearing people talking. What the hell? Looking to where the talking was coming from I saw Lauren and Thembi sitting on the love seat in the corner of my room. When did they get here?
"Look who finally graced us with her presence?"
"How did you get in here?"
"Someone rude when they wake up." Thembi said walking to the side of the bed I was on.
"I locked the door for a reason."
"Oh, you don't want to see us?" Lauren asked as if her feelings were hurt. "To bad."
"Now tell us what's going on." Lauren said sitting next to on my bed. "BTW, Candi said she'll be here soon. She had a stop to make." Candi? O.o
"Why are you calling her Candi?"
"One night she was drunk and raving about strippers. She said she's a stripper and she wants everyone to call her that."
"Oh."
"So how's our best friend?" Thembi said getting comfortable in my bed as did Lauren.
"Nothing guys. My life been pretty boring." I said trying to convince myself of this lie as well as them.
"Onika Tanya Maraj don't you dare lie to us!" Thembi said with the New York accent I loved so much.
"I'm not lying I'm telling the God honest truth."
"Okay fine since you don't want to bring it up on your own I'll do it for you. What happened at the studio?"
"How do you know I went to the studio?"
"Your mom and SB called us. Saying that you totally ignored them when you came home. And you'd been on you room ever since. Nicki what day is it?" She asked looking at me. I looked at her like she was stupid.
"It's Wednesday." I said matter-of-factly.
"Nicki, It's Friday. You've been asleep for two days." I was dumbfounded maybe that loss of blood did something to me.
"Nicki" Thembi said grabbing my face so I was looking at her. "What's wrong?" Could I tell them the truth. The God honest truth. That was slowly killing myself. That I'm pregnant with quadruplets and the father wants nothing to do with me and he's about to be married. That I was hiding from my past. Couldn't find my future. God, I barely could face the truth myself. So why would they?
Candi came into my room looking like a bat out of hell.
"What the hell happened to you?" I asked looking at her oddly.
"Girl, you wouldn't believe me if I told you. But enough about me. What's going on with you?"
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"Because lately you haven't been yourself." Thembi asked with a concerned look upon her face. While Lauren and Candi agreed. "We're worried about you."
"Guys please believe me when I say I'm fine. The whole being sleep for two days thing is a little weird and different for me. But maybe I needed it. It possibly benefited me. Look do you guys want to have a day out?"
"Nicki are you up for a day out. SB told us you've barely left the house in 3 1/2 months." IT'S BECAUSE IM PREGNANT!
"Yes, guys I'm sure. Now you to the living room and I'll be out soon okay. I'll do my hygiene thing and we'll be on our way." I smiled reassuring them I was okay.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Chapter 2
Walking to the studio I was welcomed by a cloud of smoke. The air filled my lungs and I instantly started coughing.
"What do you want?"
"What happened to us?"
"I don't have time for this." I said walking towards the door. He grabbed my arm and pulled me on to the couch while he sat in the chair in front of me.
"I love you...." He slurred barely able to keep his eyes on me.
"No you don't! You love your fiancé."
"STOP TELLING ME WHO I LOVE! "He was silent for a minute. "Ha, you use to love me."
-Flashback-
He stared at the side of my face as we sat on the couch his tour bus.
"What?"
"Do you know how beautiful you are?"
"How could I forget? You tell me every time you see me."
"It's true. I'm just stating the obvious."
"Have I ever told you I love you?"
"All the time." He replied pulling me on his lap so I was straddling him. "Have I ever told you I want to spend the rest of my life with you?"
"All the time." I said kissing him. What was supposed to be a small kiss turned into a full make out session. As his lips traveled down my neck I couldn't suppress the moans or the feeling he was giving me.
"Make love to me" I begged.
-Flashback End-
"That was 5 years ago. I was young and stupid. So were you." He was silent. I didn't know what to say. I got up and headed to the door. I was reaching for the handle when he started to speak.
"Ya know, I loved with you with all my heart. The when I woke up the next morning and you weren't there I thought I had done something wrong. Then I read that punk ass note. You left a note. Not face to face. Just a note saying you could do it anymore. Do you know how I felt. I didn't want to see your fad anymore. But we work together to I had to. I still have to. I finally realized that I can never love you again. I don't want to love you. Look, unless its business don't talk to me. I don't care if we're at an event and I'm the only person there. Don't speak. Just leave me alone. Got it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't have it any other way." I said walking out hiding the tears that had finally surfaced. The father of my babies officially hates me. Maybe the decision is finally made. Maybe I should just get rid of them.
"What do you want?"
"What happened to us?"
"I don't have time for this." I said walking towards the door. He grabbed my arm and pulled me on to the couch while he sat in the chair in front of me.
"I love you...." He slurred barely able to keep his eyes on me.
"No you don't! You love your fiancé."
"STOP TELLING ME WHO I LOVE! "He was silent for a minute. "Ha, you use to love me."
-Flashback-
He stared at the side of my face as we sat on the couch his tour bus.
"What?"
"Do you know how beautiful you are?"
"How could I forget? You tell me every time you see me."
"It's true. I'm just stating the obvious."
"Have I ever told you I love you?"
"All the time." He replied pulling me on his lap so I was straddling him. "Have I ever told you I want to spend the rest of my life with you?"
"All the time." I said kissing him. What was supposed to be a small kiss turned into a full make out session. As his lips traveled down my neck I couldn't suppress the moans or the feeling he was giving me.
"Make love to me" I begged.
-Flashback End-
"That was 5 years ago. I was young and stupid. So were you." He was silent. I didn't know what to say. I got up and headed to the door. I was reaching for the handle when he started to speak.
"Ya know, I loved with you with all my heart. The when I woke up the next morning and you weren't there I thought I had done something wrong. Then I read that punk ass note. You left a note. Not face to face. Just a note saying you could do it anymore. Do you know how I felt. I didn't want to see your fad anymore. But we work together to I had to. I still have to. I finally realized that I can never love you again. I don't want to love you. Look, unless its business don't talk to me. I don't care if we're at an event and I'm the only person there. Don't speak. Just leave me alone. Got it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't have it any other way." I said walking out hiding the tears that had finally surfaced. The father of my babies officially hates me. Maybe the decision is finally made. Maybe I should just get rid of them.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Chapter 1
Sitting here makes me nervous. Well this isn't my first time here. So I shouldn't be nervous but I am. I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here by myself. He should be here with me. I didn't create this myself. It takes two. Not 1. But what happened was a mistake. At least that's what he says. I don't believe it was a mistake. But it was he's about to be married.
"Onika Maraj?" The nurse asked waking from the back. I got up and walked to where she was standing.
"Right this way." She said leading me to a room in the back. "The doctor will be here soon." She said walking out the room and closing the door.
I sat in the chair nervously biting my nails until the doctor came in.
"Nicki, how are you feeling today?"
"I'm good Dr. Tully. How are you?"
"I'm good actually thanks for asking. Lets get down to business. How are the babies?"
"They're doing good. I'm just worried. I've been really sick lately. All I can do is sleep. I eat and throw up. I'm just weak all the time."
"Honestly Nicki, that's totally normal. Every mother goes through that. All I can recommend is more sleeping and only eating what you an keep down. All that acid from the bile isn't good for your teeth."
"Thanks that makes me feel much better."
"You welcome. Lets get a look at these babies. Get up on the table and lift your shirt up for me." I did as he instructed. She spread the gel on my stomach and I shivered at he cool sensation.
"Sorry Nicki, I should have warned you."
I giggled. "It's okay. Just caught me off guard."
"Well, Nicki everything looks good. Baby D's heart beat is a little irregular. But with close attention everything should be alright. Baby A,B,and C look fine." I was a little nervous about baby D, but I she thinks he's going to be okay. Then I'm okay.
"Thanks Dr. Tully. That's really reassuring." I said with a warm smile.
"Well Nicki, everything looks good. So on your way out make a appointment with Jenny at the front and she'll also get you the ultrasound pictures from today. Any questions?"
"No not at all Dr. Tully. See you next time."
"Bye Nicki." She said holding the door open so I could walk out.
-•-•
Sitting in my car looking at the ultrasound I couldn't help the tears that poured down my face. How was I going to raise these babies on my own. My eyes travels down to my wrists. Hell I was barely taking care of myself. I got some things to think about. I cleaned my face and started the car so I could leave.
Pulling up to the house I saw Cai outside playing with ChuChi (My Dog). Getting out the car Cai ran towards me.
"Hey Nika!" He said running towards me.
"Hey Cai, where's everybody?"
"SB left. He got a call from Rex I think. And mommy's in the kitchen coking something." He said shrugging and going back to playing with ChuChi. I walked in to the house, going straight to the kitchen.
"Hey Ma."
"Hey Onika. Where were you this morning?"
"I was at the doctor."
"OH MY, Nika are you okay? What's going on? Is something wrong?"
"Ma, CALM DOWN! I'm fine jut an annual check up." Partial Lie.
"I'm just checking your my only girl. I have to keep tabs."
"HAHA! Ma, I understand. I'll be back. I said running up the stairs to my room. I took the pictures out of my purse and put them in the drawer next to my bed. Walking into the bathroom I heard my phone ringing. Thinking it was SB I answered without looking to see who it was.
"Hello"
"Get to the studio"
"I'm busy actually"
"Be here in 5 or it's your ass." And with that he hung up. Guess I need to get there.
"Onika Maraj?" The nurse asked waking from the back. I got up and walked to where she was standing.
"Right this way." She said leading me to a room in the back. "The doctor will be here soon." She said walking out the room and closing the door.
I sat in the chair nervously biting my nails until the doctor came in.
"Nicki, how are you feeling today?"
"I'm good Dr. Tully. How are you?"
"I'm good actually thanks for asking. Lets get down to business. How are the babies?"
"They're doing good. I'm just worried. I've been really sick lately. All I can do is sleep. I eat and throw up. I'm just weak all the time."
"Honestly Nicki, that's totally normal. Every mother goes through that. All I can recommend is more sleeping and only eating what you an keep down. All that acid from the bile isn't good for your teeth."
"Thanks that makes me feel much better."
"You welcome. Lets get a look at these babies. Get up on the table and lift your shirt up for me." I did as he instructed. She spread the gel on my stomach and I shivered at he cool sensation.
"Sorry Nicki, I should have warned you."
I giggled. "It's okay. Just caught me off guard."
"Well, Nicki everything looks good. Baby D's heart beat is a little irregular. But with close attention everything should be alright. Baby A,B,and C look fine." I was a little nervous about baby D, but I she thinks he's going to be okay. Then I'm okay.
"Thanks Dr. Tully. That's really reassuring." I said with a warm smile.
"Well Nicki, everything looks good. So on your way out make a appointment with Jenny at the front and she'll also get you the ultrasound pictures from today. Any questions?"
"No not at all Dr. Tully. See you next time."
"Bye Nicki." She said holding the door open so I could walk out.
-•-•
Sitting in my car looking at the ultrasound I couldn't help the tears that poured down my face. How was I going to raise these babies on my own. My eyes travels down to my wrists. Hell I was barely taking care of myself. I got some things to think about. I cleaned my face and started the car so I could leave.
Pulling up to the house I saw Cai outside playing with ChuChi (My Dog). Getting out the car Cai ran towards me.
"Hey Nika!" He said running towards me.
"Hey Cai, where's everybody?"
"SB left. He got a call from Rex I think. And mommy's in the kitchen coking something." He said shrugging and going back to playing with ChuChi. I walked in to the house, going straight to the kitchen.
"Hey Ma."
"Hey Onika. Where were you this morning?"
"I was at the doctor."
"OH MY, Nika are you okay? What's going on? Is something wrong?"
"Ma, CALM DOWN! I'm fine jut an annual check up." Partial Lie.
"I'm just checking your my only girl. I have to keep tabs."
"HAHA! Ma, I understand. I'll be back. I said running up the stairs to my room. I took the pictures out of my purse and put them in the drawer next to my bed. Walking into the bathroom I heard my phone ringing. Thinking it was SB I answered without looking to see who it was.
"Hello"
"Get to the studio"
"I'm busy actually"
"Be here in 5 or it's your ass." And with that he hung up. Guess I need to get there.
Preview.
Looking at the razor that was carefully balanced between my fingertips I could help but think of how I got here. I don't know who that women is that looks back at me in the mirror. The tile is cold underneath my feet. It's stained with my crimson colored blood. I just want to feel okay again. This makes me feel okay. I don't want this. It's dangerous. I haven't done this since I was a teenager. I was running away from my demons then. I thought I was over this. I thought life from then would be okay. But, here I am in this position. Running from my demons that haunt me again. I'm ready to die. Finally ready. How selfish of me. But God I just want to feel okay again.
"Aye, Nick, you good?" SB asked knocking on the door. Quickly cleaning my face and the blood on the floor.
"Yeah, I'm almost done. Give me a sec."
"K. Meet me in the living room." He said waking away. I sighed in relief hearing his footsteps descend down the hallway. I quickly followed behind leaving the bathroom door open.
"Sup SB! I say jumping on the couch.
"You mom called while you were in the bathroom. She said the plane should be landing in about 4 hours. Do you want me to go get her myself or are you going to be up to come along?"
I giggled at his question. "SB I'll be up. I promise. It's not that late Faree.
"K. Just making sure. All you've been doing lately is sleeping."
"Faree shut up. I finally got some off day and I'm taking advantage of them. EXCUSE ME!!"
"HAHAHA! Nick I'm just stating the obvious."
"Aye, Nick, you good?" SB asked knocking on the door. Quickly cleaning my face and the blood on the floor.
"Yeah, I'm almost done. Give me a sec."
"K. Meet me in the living room." He said waking away. I sighed in relief hearing his footsteps descend down the hallway. I quickly followed behind leaving the bathroom door open.
"Sup SB! I say jumping on the couch.
"You mom called while you were in the bathroom. She said the plane should be landing in about 4 hours. Do you want me to go get her myself or are you going to be up to come along?"
I giggled at his question. "SB I'll be up. I promise. It's not that late Faree.
"K. Just making sure. All you've been doing lately is sleeping."
"Faree shut up. I finally got some off day and I'm taking advantage of them. EXCUSE ME!!"
"HAHAHA! Nick I'm just stating the obvious."
Introduction.
I posted this story on another blog... But then I thought why not bring it here...... So here it goes....
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